


3 Warriors, 1 Mage

by Mikey_The_Unicorn



Category: Warcraft (2016)
Genre: Crack, I'm Sorry, M/M, Multi, THIS IS THE CRACKIEST OF ALL CRACK, THIS IS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN, THUNDERSTRIKE - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 18:59:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikey_The_Unicorn/pseuds/Mikey_The_Unicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are you doing in my city, spell-chucker?” growled Commander Anduin Lothar of Stormwind, his armour conveniently dropping off with a muffled clank to display his glistening, oiled, hairy chest. The door clicked shut, and Varis and Karos hulked behind him, flexing until their armour cracked, rippling biceps and abs sending a shot of fear and arousal into the small form of the mage Khadgar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	3 Warriors, 1 Mage

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm tainting my glorious account with this [though some may say its a blessing]
> 
> just. this is very meta and very terrible and very sex
> 
> enjoy #sex'laros

“What are you doing in my city, spell-chucker?” growled Commander Anduin Lothar of Stormwind, his armour conveniently dropping off with a muffled _clank_ to display his glistening, oiled, hairy chest. The door clicked shut, and Varis and Karos hulked behind him, flexing until their armour cracked, rippling biceps and abs sending a shot of fear and arousal into the small form of the mage Khadgar.

Khadgar licked his plump sex lips as the knights converged upon him, a trio of tall, dark figures, their pecs jumping in time with the quickening beat of his heart. “Well?” sneered Lothar, pinning his arm down with a compass in a manoeuvre that, against all odds, did not crucify his wrist. From this distance, Khadgar could smell the intoxicating scent of the sesame oil that the warrior had used to baste his body like a chicken ready for the spit.

“ _SEX’LA ROS!”_ Khadgar shouted, and there was a moment of awkward silence after the arcane light had died down.

“Isn’t it meant to be _sha’la ros_?” asked Varis, his pecs still jumping up and down.

“No, Varis.” Karos swatted him over the head with a leather whip that he managed to manifest from some mysterious nook in what little armour he had left. “ _Sha’la ros_ would bring the castle down around our ears, you absolute numpty.”

Lothar cleared his throat rather loudly, whilst massaging his chest hair in what was meant to be a seductive manner. “As I was saying, _what are you doing in my city, spell-chucker_?”

Khadgar squirmed underneath his grasp. “Let me complete my examination of the body across the hall!”

There was another moment of awkward silence. Karos dropped his whip.

“Wait, fuck, there’s a body in the room across the hall?” Varis yelped in horror.

“Yeah dude,” replied Khadgar, as Lothar began to work on the drawstring of his pants with his teeth. “It’s all like, wrinkly, and slimy, and gross. Possibly the victim of a horrifying death magic that doesn’t belong in this world.” Lothar pulled out his massive dong, which had been nicknamed THUNDERSTRIKE by the denizens of the castle.

“Damn, that sucks.” Varis scratched his head. “Should we really be doing this while, you know, a horrifying death magic is on the loose?”

“Yeah dude,” Khadgar said once more. Karos was staring in awe at THUNDERSTRIKE.

“How about you examine _our_ bodies instead, mage?” purred Lothar, his dick bobbing up and down like a fishing rod.

Khagar ripped the compass out of his clothes and sat up, panting like a whore that had just been fucked at 90000 kilometres an hour. He roved his hands over Lothar’s muscled chest, slick with the Asian condiment. Karos pulled out what looked like a Christmas tree shaped buttplug from his left boot and another whip from his right. Varis enthusiastically grabbed Karos’ bouncing pecs.

“You seem to have a rather large tissue mass in your left armpit, Commander,” said Khadgar.

“What,” said Lothar, THUNDERSTRIKE’s bobbing dying down.

“What,” said Karos, dropping the sesame oiled Christmas tree shaped buttplug.

“What,” said Varis, still clutching onto Karos’ bouncing pecs.

“What,” said Khadgar. “You did ask me to examine your body.”

Lothar cleared his throat, once again. “Well,” he replied, striking a pose that made his biceps bulge and his abs shimmer in what little sun came into the room. “It appears you have found my cock.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, yet again.

“With all due respect, Commander,” gulped Varis. “Uh, I don’t think your penis is located within your left armpit. You may want to get that checked out by a priest after this.”

“We’re all going to have to be checked out by a priest after this,” muttered Karos, rubbing the bottle of sesame oil that he had discovered in his knee protector over his thigh muscles.

“In that case,” Lothar said, furiously jerking at THUNDERSTRIKE with all the strength and motion of a desperate college student trying to unblock their clogging toilet, “We better hurry this up.”

The earlier incantation of _sex’la ros_ worked in the way that those mysterious spells often spoken of in fanfic did. Khadgar presented his arse like a cat in heat, pickled onion dripping with more sesame oil than a fully fried all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. Lothar rammed THUNDERSTRIKE into those dark depths with more enthusiasm than the previously mentioned desperate college student at the previously mentioned fully fried all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

Varis and Karos, forgotten until now, leapt into action. Varis began dousing everything around him in sesame oil, especially Khadgar’s face. “Open up, you sesame slut,” snarled Karos as he flailed his whip in the general southern direction of the combined, many limbed beast that was the mage and Lothar. “Bet you like being marinated, huh? _Huh_?”

Khadgar moaned beneath the muscular figure of the warrior, who was grunting like a rather rabid bear that had just had its gonads beaned.

Which wasn’t too far from the truth, because fucking Karos couldn’t aim a whip for shit, that useless sack of lotion.

“I’M GOING TO COME!” howled THUNDERSTRIKE.

“What,” said Lothar, looking particularly perplexed as his hips thrusted.

“What,” said Karos, one leg up on the messy table, Jesus Lothar, clean your fucking desk.

“What,” said Varis, hand upon his gleaming manhood.

“JUST COME ALREADY!” yelled Khadgar, his arse jiggling as he pumped up and down on the desk.

“Okay,” replied THUNDERSTRIKE, in what sounded like a Danish accent.

“POSITIONS!” commanded Lothar commandingly.

Varis continued to tug at his dick, other hand upon the sesame bottle as he jerked it in sync. The sesame bottle was letting out small squeals of pleasure.

Karos heaved himself up onto the desk, and squatted, the armour that protected his magnificent backside bursting with such force that it was propelled through two doors and onto the priest that was attending to the bodies across the hall. He began to violently twerk, buns bobbing up and down in time with his glistening pecs.

Lothar continued to slam into Khadgar. He could feel his organism building up within him.

“FOR AZEROTH!” THUNDERSTRIKE ROARED AS IT FILLED KHADGAR’S PICKLED ONION WITH ITS LOVE JUICE.

The other two finished up, Khadgar’s behind faintly steaming from the force that it had been wrecked with. All four smelt faintly of sesame oil as they strode into the room across the hall, Khadgar slicking his fingers up with what was left of the bottle obscured in Karos’ knee protector before sliding it into the corpse’s mouth, releasing a cloud of bright green mist.

“What was that?” squealed Varis fearfully, clinging onto Karos.

“Fel,” hissed Khadgar, exchanging a look with Lothar.

“Damn, Gul’daniel. He’s back at it again with the world domination.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm dying inside wtf even is this


End file.
